Tony Kiernan

Ah, little bloggy-bloggy. Am I ignoring you? Am I spending too much time with that flighty upstart Twitter? Perhaps. God knows why I’ve failed to find the time to jot down some thoughts on my recent cinematic excursions. I’ve been failing to read anything. And avoiding (to varying degrees of success) the drink. I know, I only do this to help with my ability to layout a cohesive sentence. It’s just myself I’m hurting. So, let’s play catch-up what have I seen in the last couple of weeks.

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel

A joint production between HBO and the BBC and by god it shows. I’m all for low budget movies, in fact prefer them, but FAQ About Time Travel is telly programme. In no-one’s mind could this ever be described as a movie.

Not to say it’s without it’s charm. It never really lives up to the Dr Who meets Shaun Of The Dead vibe that someone thought deserved promotion to the big screen. But it’s likable, largely down to a cast featuring Chris O’Dowd and Dean Lennox Kelly (note: two very fine TV actors) and a fantastically relentless pace that would leave Brian Rix’s head spinning. The plot (three friends discover a rip in the space/time continuum in the gents at their local, and try to get home) means that as soon as things flag, someone can come screaming out of the toilet to get things moving again. And, it’s really rather funny. Not a big one-liner film but definitely grinsome.

When this comes round in the christmas schedule, circle it with pen and make sure you don’t miss it.

It also has Meredith MacNeill as a leather clad villain. Which a lot more films could benefit from.

In The Loop

Another telly programme making the move to the big screen. Although, at least this time, it has had the decency to throw out a couple of series on the small screen first.

Armando Iannucci’s The Thick Of It is one of the finest comedy shows of recent years. In The Loop is the big screen version. To fill that screen, and no doubt to sell it worldwide, the scope has been widened from the back rooms of Westminster to the special relationship with our colonial cousins and dodgy dossiers as an excuse to go to war.

TBH, the stuff on familiar ground works considerably better than the big picture. While it doesn’t quite hit the level of Holiday On The Buses and such, the Washington bound section of the film kinda loses something. They’ve co-opted in big hitter James Gandolfini who seems terribly underused. Leaving space for the inestimable David Rasche to steal the second half of the show.

A minor quibble, probably for one of the funniest films I’ve seen in quite some time. And, of course, the sweariest. Peter Capaldi’s Malcolm Tucker is the Shakespeare of the four lettered word.

I experienced possibly the loudest guffaw I’ve emitted in a cinema for a very long time while watching this. (I want to tell you but don’t want to spoil it. And, it’s context anyway.) So, despite it’s shortfallings, I know this will be one of the best movies I see all year. I mean the Coen’s don’t have anything in the pipeline, and the state of blockbusters…

Star Trek

…Ah. I saw this three times. Not, I hasten to add, to be taken as any indication of how good I think it is. But it is rather excellent.

There’s really not much I can say about this that’s not been said a thousand times over. So, I won’t. It’s full of holes, but just so damned enjoyable that they don’t matter. It’s great to see someone taking a franchise like this and retooling it without turning them all into psychologically damaged fuck-ups. Just an object lesson in making this kind of thing. Looking forward to the next one. And, yes, I’d quite happily sit through it gain. Might even do so.

So far so good.

Angels & Demons

Spoke too soon.

When I told people this was possibly the worst film I’d ever seen: “Worse than The Da Vinci Code?”, they’d ask. I never saw that.

At one point in the film I found myself thinking Oh fuuuukck offf!!!. The resultant laughter made me realise I’d said it out quite loud.

Nothing they could’ve got Meredith MacNeill to do would’ve saved this. all should hang their heads in shame.

State Of Play

Little screen, big screen, cardboard cut-out performance!

Plot: Political journalist tries to help out a politician friend following the apparent suicide of the intern he was having an affair with. But…all is not as it seems.

Did you see the original State Of Play? Excellent wasn’t it? (If not it’s available cheaper than a cinema ticket most places at the moment.) How the hell do Hollywood reckon they can redo six hours of finest british TV as a 2+hour film? Well, by cutting out a lot of good characters (particularly the James McAvoy). Dropping some of the sub-plots. And, reducing the central politico and his wife to mere character sketches.

But, you know what, it still works quite well. It has obvious pretensions to All the President’s Men heights, and makes a not too bad stab at them. Or, more precisely emulating the style. And, tbh, the subplot involving the dead kids family always seemed a bit like padding. But, the most interesting thing, is the move of focus from the two central characters to just the journalist. This seems to suit Ben Affleck’s portrayal of Rep. Stephen Collins. He becomes more superficial. The career politician. And, when the ultimate resolution comes around, it actually sits better with his performance.

The telly version’s still better though.

Coraline 3D

Not really a fan of the stop-start stuff that’s been attached to Tim Burton. In fact, I reckon The Nightmare Before Christmas to be one of the most over-rated of all time. Goddam goths! In fact, I’m attracted towards seeing this because the Neil Gaiman book is currently in adaptation on Broadway with music by Stephen Merritt.

And, I’ve not seen one of these RealD films.

It’s really rather lovely. Proper fairy tale stuff. Probably just the right balance of scares and magic for the kids (although I’m hardly the expert). Some smashing set pieces and musical numbers. (Including an all too brief They Might Be Giants song.)

The 3D I’d have happily lived without. Unnecessary. (And, I’m sure there’s more flab on the film so they can shove bits in the swoop at you.)

Synechdoche, New York

First film I’ve been really looking forward to this year.

I’ve been of the opinion that Charlie Kaufman’s a bit of a genius for a while. He’s been responsible for the screenplays for some of the best films of recent years. But more of that later.

Synechdoche, New York is Kaufmans directorial debut. It tells the story of a theatre director (that bit I’m certain of), who discovers he’s ill, gets an enormous ‘genius’ grant, and attempts to stage a 1:1 scale production about everyday life in New York.

Imagine every scene excised from the movies he screenplayed by Jonze, Gondry and Clooney. Add every weird little scenario written on the back of a fag packet. Throw them in the air, let them fall and you’ve got the screenplay here. And, still that sounds good to me. It’s not.

I can’t even write this off as a mess, or over indulgence it’s just a BAD film. Indulgence would be alright, but no. So painfully bad…

There are some of the finest female actors in the world at the moment in this film. They are wasted to a …woman. Except for Samantha Morton, who is the only reason I didn’t walk out.

I didn’t expect to see anything worse that Angels & Demons this year, let alone the same week.

So, back to the screenplay point. As far as I can make out my fave Kaufman stuff is adaptations (yes, including the film of the same name). ie. the original stuff’s not so good. (yes, I do mean Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine).
Maybe the imagination of this man is not all I thought it to be.

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Pah. Killing time, again. Not a fan of the original films (or the two I saw any way), but thought this might be passable fluff. Works neither as an action movie nor a superhero film. Double-fail.

Terminator Salvation

Parp! Any hope we had for this, and that Star Trek may have bolstered were all in vain. It’s not even as ‘good’ as Rise Of The Machines. No wonder Christian Bale was so damned angry.

Drag Me To Hell

God bless Sam Raimi!

I do not do horror. Largely it’s this guy’s fault. When the whole ‘video nasty’ bollocks was happening I dogged school and saw them all. I Spit On Your Grave, Last House On The Left, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Evil Dead. The slasher horrible stuff did nothing. The latter kept me awake for weeks. I was about nine.

Completely hilarious and actually quite creepy at times. Was near hiding in my jacket at a few points but giggling like an idiot others.

*POSSIBLE SPOILERS - BUT I’LL TRY NOT TO*
Thinking about this afterwards it strikes me that Alison Lohman’s character brings the curse and horror on herself as a result of a desire to forward herself in busines. She forecloses on a (sub-prime?) mortgage to prove she’s tough. Not wanting to evoke the end, but she admits as much. The first post-credit crunch morality tale?

Who knows.

Fermat’s Room

Spanish (possibly Catalonian) thriller about a bunch of mathematics types who find themselves trapped in a room where the must solve problems or be killed. The hydraulic walls are closing in for each they don’t solve.

Despite not really having the intelligence of it’s conceits (you don’t ask the mathematical geniuses of a genration the “one guard always tells the truth…” question), this is a thoroughly enjoyable piece of fluff. Tense enough and nicely acted and paced. Kinda like Dan Brown not for morons.

Looking For Eric

Ken Loach on seemingly familiar ground. However. don’t believe the synopses of this that have a bloke smoking a jazz cigarette and hallucinating. This is actually a simpler, and more touching, tale of someone near the end of their tether taking support from friends (and a self help book) to start pulling the strands of his life back together.

And, it’s flippin’ marvellous. Hilarious, touching and above all real.

There’s somde thing a bit pat about the climax. But, this movie and it’s stars (including a brilliantly self-parodising turn from M. Cantona) earn so much good feeling from the audience that you not only forgive it, but fully embrace it.

This is the best film I’ve seen so far this year.

*phew*

Do such things exists? Or, more likely, some software to do so?

“What the hell are you talking about, Kiernan?” I hear you cry. Right, we all know about Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V etc and what they do. Basical cutting and pasting selected text/objects. I notice that Office (or at least Outlook - don’t use the rest that much) is expanding this and giving you more clipboard options within the suite. And, I’m tedious droned on to about just how much you can do with te clipboard in Linux. But, still none of them do what I want to do. Here are two examples of what I mean:

Email address
I want to be able to Ctrl+Shift+@ (for example, it doesn’t really matter if that already does something) and paste my email address into whatever application I am using.

Lorem
I develop web sites. I would love to hit Ctrl+L and *bang* a paragraph of Lorem complete with p tags.

There must be something that does this. I can’t be the only person to see the advantages. Even a Firefox plug-in for the first would be useful. But ideally something that works with the OS.

Or, am I missing something really obvious somewhere?

NB. I use PCs and Macs

Surveillance is Jenifer Lynch finally getting a second chance to make a movie after the hilariously dreadful (and I hate to admit quite sexy) Boxing Helena.

This film has both Bill Pullman AND Michael Ironside in it!!!! If that’s not screaming B movie/straight to DVD to you, you don’t know what a film is. OK, plot: A group of disparate unreliable witnesses are interviewed by two FBI agents about a brush with some serial killers rampaging across the country. There’s a twist, you’ve probably guessed it.

The problem is, this film has pretensions. Probably most embodied in the rather good performance from Julia Ormand (one of them I’m sure I’ve seen in stuff until I look at what they’ve been in). Or maybe the way they try to use a Rashômon type device, without really understanding the point of it. Rendering the whole thing a bit of a pseudo mess. This is it’s biggest failing. If it accepted it’s place it’s be tighter, darker and nastier.

When it turns up on Five, it’s worth a look. If you’re siting peaceably in in a pub enjoying a glass of cabernet wih a good book, don’t disturb yourself.

overly faithful whilst managing to miss the point

A comment on a messageboard elsewhere (read after having seen it). I’ll have to take his word for it. Having never been comic-book boy I haven’t read Alan Moore’s seminal The Watchmen. This despite it being one of the few graphic novels that I’ve always meant to.

So, based on the movie alone, we have story of some ’superheroes’ (of the Batman mode - no real super powers) outlawed and now possible the victims of a serial killer. There’s also their large blue radioactive mate who apparently single handedly won the Vietnam war ensuring President Nixon’s continued presidency. There’s bagloads of existential angst and cod-galactic philosophy bollocks on the way too. It all seems a bit hokey, and creaky.

And there in lies the main problem with this: It’s nothing new. No, I know the source material changed the world of the ‘comic book’. But, when I used the word seminal earlier it wasn’t some sort of lazy shorthand. The source material has been so influential that we’ve seen pretty much everything in it ripped off already (Tim Burton’s Batman comes to mind). It’s permeated popular culture (this feels more akin to Heroes than X-men ever did). And, been superceded (stand up Batman Begins - you’re all wrong about The Dark Knight).

In the director’s chair we have 300’s Zack Snyder. So, you’d expect a heavil stylised visual stun-feast. Again, it’s all very pedestrian. In fact most of the effects seem to be on Billy Crudup’s big blue member and some twaddle to do with clockwork he throws together on Mars when having a cream puff. (All of which would probably look great on a HUGE 3-D screen. If only there was such a thing). This being a proper grown-up comic means there’s been no faffing about trying to get a 12A certificate, it’s a full blown 18. (A rare enough thing these days for anything.) And the director gets to indulge his very obvious love of graphic violence. And, I’ll be honest, the most impressive moments in the film for me are the sequences where he’s managed to take (what I imagine is) one frame from the storyboard of a bullet passing through a body with a splurge and a crunch. But, tbh, these things really are just exercises in doing so and would have been more impressive presented as such. Maybe on Youtube.

I’ve complained many times about the use of digicam and before this we saw a trailer for the preposterous looking Crank II in which the only bits I could make out what was happening were the usual homoerotic Statham jokes. Over the 2+ hours of this I kept wondering if there was something wrong with the projector. Not one scene goes by at even a normal pace when its possible to run it in painful slow-mo. It struck me afterwards that this is probably Snyder trying to make sure that we can drink in all the detail (upcoming Imax release perhaps?). It don’t work.

There is about half an hour of fun in matching the cast with the real star they couldn’t get for the part. Or, rather you’ll find yourself scrabbling for anything to do to release the tedium.

So, “faithful”; I’m willing to believe. “Missing the point”; I sure hope so. Of all of the films adapted from Moore’s works I’ve seen (none of which have been great), I can’t help thinking this was certainly the poorest. And, yes, I have seen The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

I’d convinced myself that I needed to go see this because (unlike his last three films) this one’s actually got Clint acting in it. But, let’s face it, despite it’s plaudits, I still haven’t seen Million Dollar Baby. So, why did this seem so necessary for me to see? Well, sucker that I am, it would qppear to be the marketing. As well as this bing the ’surpise’ hit when I was in the states over New Year (Slumdog came out on the 1st and quickly usurped it) and subject ot much discussion/TV coverage, there was a blitz on it when released here (it’s the bum end ofthe awards season, probably not the dieal time to be putting something out). Effectively, this had been positioned as Dirty Harry meets A Perfect World. Now, who wouldn’t find that irresistable.

The film opens with retiree Walt Kowalski (Eastwood) burying his wife. We are then taken to his home where he attempts to make sense of a world he no longer knows, on his own. He wants and has little to do with the Minnesotan Hmong community that has ‘taken over’ ‘the old neighbourhood’. That is until the neighbours’ youngest tries to steal his beloved 1972 Ford of the title.

God, where to start? Let’s start with the acting: Apparently most of the supporting cast here were drawn from the community the film is set among and, boy, does it show. From the wizened old hag (as I’m sure your’e meant to regard here) trading incomprehensible (to each other) abuse to the young kids that finally manage to under his rhino-like skin, they run the fuill gamut ofamaturish, one-dimensional and, ultimately, fairly cliched perfomances.

Which leads us nicely to the cliches. We could’ve set up a game of convention bingo for this film and I’m sure it would’ve been over in the first five minutes. In addition to the aforementioned grandmother, we get (uncharacteristically) tenderly meant gesture that it of course a raging faux pas in the other culture. Thwere’s the shaman/wiseman who sees deeply into the soul or our protagonist and tells him truths he’s never acknowledged about himself. Of course, all of this is related by translation through someone that doesn’t see how deeply their words are striking home… They’re all in there.

If cliche’s not good enough for you, how about the heavy handed symbolism? The car of the title: An emblem of an america long gone, but which everyone desires to own. Walt repairs his home and has all the tools required to do so (clunk!). Not only that, but he repairs the tools he uses for this. We see him mowing his lawn with an ancient but perfectly amintained push-pull mower. His beer cooler looks like it was a wedding gift. He is surrounded by the solid well built, that the modern world has no real need (or want) for anymore. A. Bit. Like. Walt. Himself. See?

There’s a line in Half Man Half Biscuit’s Breaking News (a list song of the people rounded up as part of “Operation less pricks”) about a people who say they speak as they find and are somehow proud of it. This lot’ll be creaming themselves at the ‘anti-PC’ language used by Walt throughout this movie. Much like the tubes that hailed D-Fens as some sort of hero, they’re seriously missing the point. This is a damaged human being, and an intolerant racist. Again, there’s the wistfulness for a time time long gone whan a man could call a spade whatever the hell he liked. The way in which this is used as the central (and recurrent) ‘joke’ in the film is cheap and nasty. There’s a rerason why kids today know all about Bill Hicks but have no idea who Andrew Dice Clay is (who is still with us and still going).

There’s nowt wrong with sentiment. However, it can quite easily teeter over the brink to mawkish schmaltziness. And, this film not only teeters and topples, but takes a full blown swan dive right into it.

Let’s see, what else? The plot is so predictable you find youself thinking “no, they’re not gonna do that?” And, they do. And, so shall I.

Despite it all, it’s really, really good. An object lesson in how to tell a story and keep an audience entertained. (Yes, it could lose a bit of flab. But, I’ve said enough about that beign the norm…) You quite happily go along with the signposted plot and cack-handed symbolism (oh, I haven’t touched on it, believe me) because it’s so damned enjoyable. Yes, a large part of this is down to heart of the film being CLINT doing what he does best. But, there’s just something deeply satisfying about the whole enterprise.

Nowhere near as flashy, but every bit as enjoyable as Slumdog. Probably better. The kind of solid work that makes you wonder whatever happened to the craftsmenship.

Nice piece by David Mitchell in today’s Observer:

One of the fastest growing areas in our economy in the years leading up to the crunch was the selling of crap to twats.

Jeez, this man’s younger than me :-/

Also, am I the only one that keeps getting him confused with the author of Cloud Atlas? Obviously, not when actually reading/listening/watching him but when I hear reference to him turning up on something or (as here) writing a column.

And so, to part 2. Erm…more of the same without the flash forward stuff. Except without the happy ending. (And, with added Lou Diamond Philips!) I think the whole exercise is possibly more admirable than enjoyable. But, I’m glad I’ve sat through it an when some idiot decides to put the Motorcycle Diaries and these two on in a threesome, I’d probably go along.

Interestingly, in any non-English speaking markets these films were known as The Argentinian and The Guerilla. Apparently, we’re now the dumb-downing audience too.

I’m a huge fan of Julian Cope. I frequent his excellent website. I also find it amusing how I’m regularly denigrated for not blindly loving his (hugely patchy but always worth a look) recent work. Or not accepting his increasingly garbled writings as the reincarnation of Lester Bangs or the words of some prophet handed down from above. In his latest Address Drudion I think he exemplifies where our values differ:

Any fears that viewers may have had about their hero being depicted as too much of a Pop Star are successfully squashed by Soderbergh’s brilliant decision to cast the ‘too old/too ugly’ Benicio Del Toro in the role

Correct me if I’m wrong, but surely Benicio is damn sexy? And, anyway, Che was always known for his ‘rock star’ looks (that use of ‘pop’ is lily-livered)? I’m not (or ever) saying he’s wrong; just that I don’t agree.

Comedy genius Mark Thomas has been interviewing a bunch of folk about the current financial apocalypse for his latest tour/show/book. This has been done in front of a studio audience, recorded and made available as a series of podcasts.

It’s actually great to hear voices of rationality in amongst all the nit-picking twaddle from the pundits and politicos. He’s managed to get a nice mix of activists, academics and politicians for this. There’s particualrly interesting input from gamekeeper turned poacher Sargon Nissan. There’s nothing too hefty to them, and Thomas’ presence ensures that not only do we get a good sprinkling of humour but also the layman’s clarification of points.

Interesting just how many themes keep recurring: The UK is a tax haven (thanks to the non-dom laws); the government are the cowering bitches of global finance (all of HMRC’s buildings are leased from an offshore comapny); the need for governement run banking (and not just cleaning up the shit before handing them back to the shitters); and, WE TOLD YOU (yes we did. and what did you do? Pat us on the head and send us on the way to protest the war that we charmingly thought was based on lies and would be an unholy mess. Fuckers).

*and, breathe*

It’s good to know you’re not alone. It’s also such a shame that there’s not a hope in hell any of the sensible solutions being bandied about are likely to ever be taken up. Hear that whirring? It’s George Santayana.

Much has been made of the fact that the drummer of Canuk rockers Anvil! is named Robb Reiner and this documentary is being touted as some sort of real life Spinal Tap. And with lines like

I’ll tell you what happened to us, in one word. Two word…THREE words: We. Had. Bad. Management.

you can see where they’re coming from.

But of course, truth is often stranger than fiction* and thankfully there’s a damned site more to Anvil! The Story of Anvil! than simply pointing and laughing (which is OK with the Tap, becasue we know that they know that we know…and, we all arch our eyebrows together). In 1982, the band were poised for world rockdom domination. The opening sequence of the film sees the likes of Lemmy (ALL HAIL!), Scott Ian, and Lars friggin’ Ulrich (*spit*) recalling how great they were and that the fame was a done deal. Cut to present day and lead singer Steve ‘Lips’ Kudlow traipsing through the snow delivering school meals. But, the band are still a going concern. And, I mean still, not some nostalgia reformation. These guys have been slogging for 30 years, with the constant belief that IT’s just sound the corner for them. Rock On!

I’ve heard that Sach Gervasi (co-writer of The Big Tease and father of Geri Halliwell’s children - weird) was once a roady for the band. I can’t find confirmation of this anywhere, but one thing is for certain he is most definitely a fan. Not only would no-one other than a fan have such a crazy idea as making this, but they would never have resisted the urge to make this the horredous stitch-up job it could’ve been (yes, I’m looking at you Theroux). Neither is is some simpering whitewash job, though. As the quote above shows, this is what’s great about metalists; they are inherently hilarious enough without any encouragement.

I’m trying not to call this a ‘warm and affectionate study’ but it’s the only way I can really phrase it. But, it is so much more than that. You will find yourself willing these guys to succeed. You’ll even contemplate picking up a copy of their album (before remembering even the successful thrash bands were pretty sucky). And, you’ll laugh your head off. Another fine addition to the welcome trend of excellent documentary making that’s frequenting our cinema screens.

Now, I’ve been in a band. And, there’s so much in this to recognise and cringe about. But, what I found strange was the singularity of vision that these guys have. It’s all about maing it big. (I find myself wondering if this a metal thing. A metal-leaning friend recently mentioned getting a band together, I assumed it was for the craic. A hobby. An outlet. Nope. Turns out he meant to get a major recording contract, play stadia and pick up groupies.) They seem to not be able to sit back and look at what they have. TBH, had I been able to put out over a dozen albums, be guaranteed 100 folk at a gig (maybe this is the indie-kid in me, but I found the derisive way that’s mentioned really confusing), and given the opportunity to do flea-pit tours across the atlantic I’d be the proverbial double appendaged canine. [CHUNK EXCISED FOR THE SAKE OF NO SPOILERS] Towards the end of the film there’s grudging mention made of being able to sell their stuff on the web and keep in touch with the fans that way. As if the realisation that there may be another way with this than the major deal is beginning to dawn. Let’s hope so, as thirty years of failure in your own eyes can’t be good. The fact that these guys just love to (and live to?) play is what ultimately saves this from being fatally tragic.

* As will all cliche: Bollocks! I’m rather fond of Borges. Or, maybe I’m just doing something wrong in life.

The increasingly essential No Rock ‘N’ Roll Fun has an interesting and often amusing deconstruction of a youth survey by Marrakesh Records. In particularly the point that gives this post it’s title

It’s a pity they didn’t pursue this line of questioning further: Kasabian, or your mate’s sister? Ringtones or a handjob?

And, it would seem the music industry is a lying bastard

Seventy per cent bought a CD? Like, recently? Isn’t the prevailing wisdom that young people never buy music at all, and when they do, it’s digital? And yet here’s a survey that sees seven out of ten people aged between ‘late onset puberty’ and ‘too old to admit they still live with their parents’ hoofing off to buy an old-style plastic disc with music on it?